The Saddest There Ever Was: Sergio Ramos

27 Apr


It’s been six years since little 19 year-old Sergio Ramos left his hometown team of Sevilla for the brighter lights of Real Madrid’s Bernabéu.  In six years he’s won two league titles with Los Merengues and a King’s Cup.  With the Spanish national side, he’s reached the highest of conceivable highs: 2008 Euro Champs and 2010 World Champs.

Nonetheless, it appears that if Real Madrid and the Spanish national side (more particularly) have one glaring weakness, it is found in the right back-ing ways of the Sevillano.  We at nosrslsr must admit our bias and outright disdain for the guy, who owns the rights to the world “chulo.”  “Chulo” can be several things to the Spanish, but for our purposes it translates roughly as “douche” (and, as follows, “chulería” comes out “douchiness” or “douchery,” if you will).  It’s the kind of word applied to a certain style of machoism, where one’s boyish looks and long locks make one’s chest protrude ever-so-slightly, while lips purse in self-satisfaction and confidence knowing no one can touch your all-world splendor.  It’s flabbergasting that, given his incessant chulo-parading, he’s claimed to be one of the humbler Real players…and then posed nude to prove it…?

Who could possibly win in a humble-off with this guy?

Unfortunately for Sergio, he often falls short of his self image.  Earlier this year, after going down several goals to Barcelona, Sergio’s dented chulería lashed out at the ankles of the Diminutive One, Leo Messi.  Here’s how to try it at home!  See if you can look your chulo-self in the mirror afterwards, we dare you!  Step one:

Hack ankles!! Chulo blood rages!!

Step two:

Seeing red (card)!! RED CHULO BLOOD BOILS!!

Step three:

Total Chulo Meltdown!! RAWRGGAHHRRR!!

For a different ending, take this evening’s clip-clopping back and forth after that little rodent Leo Messi, who plowed furrows around poor Sergio in the Bernabéu, leaving behind the seeds from which plenty of Ramos’s failings (let’s call them RamosFracasos®) grew.

Ramos's sad face after Messi's goal

Chulería Meltdown Alert

New TV Show: "Chulo Boiling Points"

Ramos comes up short on Messi's second :(

In an incident from two summers ago, Ramos’s self-assurance cost his team a chance at a comeback against the mighty USA FC.  One of the deepest bruisings of the most muscly chulería.  Not Safe for Prides:

Sergio Ramos, we :( you.  Sorry :(.

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One Response to “The Saddest There Ever Was: Sergio Ramos”

  1. Johnc693 2014/05/30 at 12:22 PM #

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