Marca’s sad clown circus

9 Feb

For anyone familiar with Marca.com, Spain’s most recognized and widely read sports paper, it goes without saying that the phrase “journalistic integrity” applies only in the loosest of senses. Marca lives for its beloved Real Madrid, a team that, although historically a towering behemoth of European and Spanish football, has won the ire of fans around the globe for its monetary wealth and tireless efforts to see that wealth translate into trophies (this is especially true of the last 10 years or so). The €200 million that they spent last summer on 3 players (two former world players of the year) was, for many, a repulsive display of the power of cash. The first cover above is from last summer.

The team signed two of the four players pictured, but Marca had them all photoshopped into Real Madrid gear in later editions, claiming at different points that all of them had reached an agreement.

Marca, naturally, was along for the ride, predicting the next “galáctico” to sign every day. All in all, 3 of the 5 or 6 most coveted by Marca were signed by Real Madrid, and so this season of La Liga began with high expectations. On January 30th, Real Madrid defeated challengers Deportivo de la Coruña 1-3 in a match that featured a beautiful goal by Karim Benzema who was fed by Guti’s deft backheel pass. Watch the goal here:

Marca, lover of all things Real Madrid, couldn’t help but gush over the unselfish and seemingly unnecessary pass by Guti. It’s not often that a RM player would attack the goal so coyly, especially with the “shoot-first-and-what??-whywouldtherebequestions??” Cristiano Ronaldo on the team this season, but fans of the game should be unanimous in their enjoyment of Guti’s pass. Marca, not shy of enjoying the success of their players, has put Guti on two straight covers. You can see him holding yesterday’s cover on today’s, in fact. We here at “no, srslr,” make no bones about our disdain for the club and their rabid, often senseless fan base (including Marca), and love to dissect these often comically sappy covers in which Marca reveal with no selfconsciousness whatsoever the pitter-patters of their heart after their “merengue” boys. The Guti cover is also above.

It should be noted that Guti, while a very great player, is also kind of a douche with a little bit of spoiled, overpaid brat thrown in.

Here are some of our thoughts on this particular cover:

1. Look at his stupid, lips-pursed face focusing on recreating the backheel!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

2. Guti says, “Here! This is what I did! Like this! With my backofmyfoot like this!”

3. Onlooking reporters: “Oh my gosh. DO IT AGAIN!!!”

4. In Guti’s vanity, how could he not do it again with all these onlookers? “Again?? OK!!! ….there!”

5. Marca and he are totally ruining what was a perfectly good goal.

6. About the big letters “No lo dudé” (“I never doubted it [would work]”), “I never doubted myself! Just like this…..see???”

7. (Purses lips, rolls shirt cuffs)

8. “Oh, you liked that, huh? Here I’ll show you right here in my backyard!!”

9. This is hurting my insides to hate and love something [this cover] so much at the same time.

10. Their lameness and just total douchiness is so complete.

11. What the [unprintable] does “I never doubted it” really even mean, anyway?!?!?!? He was certain the ball would go to Benzema? That Benz wouldn’t miss? How are you sure of that? You never doubted that YOU would look good, regardless of the end result?

12. Bing! Maybe he was talking about the recreation: “I never doubted that I could also do a backheel in my backyard.”

13. His “selfless act” is on the cover. He’s on the cover for a pass. The completion of all of this, the ‘))<>((‘, if you will, is the picture of him holding the previous front page, framed. And the idea that it will be in his house.”

14. With a pic of him holding this cover, too, and a mirror on the opposite wall facing that. Back and forth, forever.

15. Gosh, we got a lot of material out of that cover.

16. Not only has Marca ruined that goal for me, I kind of hate the word “tacón” [backheel] now, too.

The best summation of our collective reaction to Marca’s relentless stream of obnoxious fanboy squealing is “ugh”.

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